🎀Glitter 'N' Butterflies🎀

  Trigger Warning: ED Talk People know I have an eating disorder. It hasn't exactly been kept a secret. My friends usually tend to not care or ignore it, my family thinks I'm doing it for attention, and my girlfriend doesn't always seem to understand why I can't just "eat for her". There's been people who've told me I don't look like I have an eating disorder. Because I'm either "not thin enough" or because I "eat all the time". I have two eating disorders. I have binge-eating disorder, and I also have anorexia nervosa. I won't go into every detail of my ED story, but I've been suffering with ED's since I was around 9 years old. My mom died and binging became a way to cope, and it became a daily occurrence when I turned 11. At 11 I moved to where I live now and me and my dad moved in with my stepmom and half-brother. At first the binges died down, it turned from 2k binges to just overeating. I ate when I wasn...

Trigger Warning: Talk of ED and self-harm I know it's a little bit past New Year's, but I haven't made a blog yet this year. So I wanted to talk about my goals for 2022.  And look back and reflect on 2021, which is what I'll do first. 2021 was a hard year for me, and I had thought the previous years were awful. I had spent the last few years hating myself, hating my life, just wishing I was dead. And I blamed it on the way my grandmother treated me. Which in a way, I still do. She was strict, but not in the caring way. She just wanted to control every aspect of my life. When she learned I had an eating disorder, she tried to control that too, making my eating disorder worse. Because though my eating disorder started as just a way to cope with bad feelings, it became more than that, especially in Arizona. It became a way to "control" something in my life, something my grandma couldn't no matter how hard she tried. Anytime I messed something up, she screamed...

Trigger Warning: ED Talk; pet death; depression Thanksgiving was a while ago, but it went better then I thought it would. It was still panic-inducing, but I feel like I ate a good amount of food. Not too much or too little, but a right amount that I felt comfortable with. I feel kind of silly. All of this panic for nothing. I had a fun day with my family and then with my girlfriend later that day, and the only bad part of the day was I put the batteries back in my scale (which I had taken out of my scale for a bit in an attempt to not weigh myself every second I could) and used it. I'm not going to say my weight here because it shouldn't matter (though my mind still tells me it does). I haven't weighed myself in a few days because [I'M BLEEDING FROM SOMEWHERE] and it usually makes me weigh more and I don't want to have anymore breakdowns over how much I weigh. I'm thinking I'm going to try to not weigh myself for a bit because all it does is trigger me into ...

Trigger Warning: Eating Disorder talk It's been a while since my last blog, sorry about that! I've been a bit busy working on my mental health and also with school. Well kind of with school. School doesn't really seem that important to me at the moment. I mean, I know  it's important, but this year I just want to focus more on improving the way I think about things and becoming healthy. School always just adds this extra stress onto me and I hate it. I'm always stressing over the assignments, when to turn them in, what'll happen if I don't, failing my classes... the normal things kids in school stress over. But it's not just average teenage stress - my anxiety likes to go from zero to a hundred really quick. I could be just simply worrying about an assignment one moment to having panic attacks and crying over the same assignment the next. So I've decided to try to not worry too much about school right now and just try to focus on getting better. Also...

Trigger Warning: Eating Disorders   So in my last post I was talking about some really sad crap. I mentioned I was having an anorexia relapse. But now I am once again trying to push myself towards recovery, thanks to my girlfriend. I ended up telling her the truth and I just ended up venting to her. About how I don't really want to do this to myself anymore but I don't know how to get better, though I do want to get better. I don't want to hurt myself anymore, I want to be able to think of things other than calories and how much food I'll have to eat in a day. I know my way of thinking isn't healthy. I'm going to list all the things that suck about my eating disorder. This way, whenever I want to go back to restricting my calories, I can read this list and try to remember why I don't want to keep coming back to this. Just a note: Everybody is different and have different feelings about their ED's. Not all of us think exactly the same. So if you read this...

TRIGGER WARNING: EATING DISORDERS/SUICIDAL THOUGHTS SMALL TW: MENTION OF SELF-HARM   So I am having another relapse with my anorexia. Woo. At this point I'm not sure what the fuck I want to do. I want to recover from this, but honestly only to make me girlfriend happy and not cause any damage to our relationship. Maybe that's why it always falls short - I don't try to recover for me. But that's really because I don't really think I need to be better or get help; I feel fine how I am. In fact, I feel happier when I starve myself as opposed to when I eat. When I eat I feel fat and miserable, but when I don't eat and restrict the foods I do eat, I feel thin, strong, and happy. The only thing about it that sucks is how sad it makes my girlfriend feel. So this time I'm just going to lie to her about it, even though it's one of the things I hate most. I mean, I don't care about lying to anyone else, it's just lying to my gf that makes me feel like shit...