11/22/21 - ✨Anxiety Over Turkey✨



Trigger Warning: Eating Disorder talk

It's been a while since my last blog, sorry about that! I've been a bit busy working on my mental health and also with school. Well kind of with school. School doesn't really seem that important to me at the moment. I mean, I know it's important, but this year I just want to focus more on improving the way I think about things and becoming healthy. School always just adds this extra stress onto me and I hate it. I'm always stressing over the assignments, when to turn them in, what'll happen if I don't, failing my classes... the normal things kids in school stress over. But it's not just average teenage stress - my anxiety likes to go from zero to a hundred really quick. I could be just simply worrying about an assignment one moment to having panic attacks and crying over the same assignment the next. So I've decided to try to not worry too much about school right now and just try to focus on getting better.

Also, as I write this, my mind is screaming for me to just delete everything. Just say "Sorry I haven't updated my blog, but I'm fine!" because nobody on here really cares how I think, or cares about me as a person, and that I'm making it seem more extreme then it is and being overdramatic. But honestly, this blog isn't really meant for anyone else. It's just a way to vent out my feelings and say what's going on in my head. And maybe someone with similar issues will read my blogs and have somebody to relate to? I don't know really. But maybe I should make that clear: I don't post these to get attention. I don't want your attention, I don't want your pity. I'm not over-exaggerating anything in my blogs for clout. I couldn't care less about that! These blogs are like a coping mechanism for me.

 Okay now I'll get onto what my main focus of my blog today is: Thanksgiving.
Not everybody celebrates this holiday (as it's an American only holiday, really) but my family does. And every year it's given me anxiety, but holy hell the anxiety I feel this year is like every past year's anxiety decided to group together. Thanksgiving is on the 25th - only 3 days away - and even though I am trying to recover from my anorexia, the thought of all the food makes me want to curl up in bed and pretend to be sick to get out of eating. But I know I can't do that this year, or any year from now on. Thanksgiving has always been one of my least favourite holiday's - I think it's pointless, but I do like the idea of having a day to just be thankful for what we have. But why do we have to celebrate with food? I love Thanksgiving food, but at the same time I despise it. I can't even fully explain why I hate the food or why the holiday always gives me so much anxiety. I know I don't have to eat a whole lot even, but just the thought of having that much food in front of me scares me. I'm scared that I'm going to end up overeating, getting sick, then deciding to relapse (for the 1000th time) as a result of that. And then everything I'm trying to work towards will just fall apart in the span of one night. I'm going to try hard to not let that happen, but I'm not even sure how to stop it from happening. I guess I'll just have to see what happens when the day comes. I just can't wait for Thanksgiving to be over.

On a completely unrelated note, I've almost completed the pokédex in Pokémon Ultra Moon.

Anyway, I think that's all for this blog! I'll try to update again soon, possibly after Thanksgiving. Seeya!



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