9/29/2021 - A Morbid Post

TRIGGER WARNING: EATING DISORDERS/SUICIDAL THOUGHTS

SMALL TW: MENTION OF SELF-HARM

 So I am having another relapse with my anorexia. Woo. At this point I'm not sure what the fuck I want to do. I want to recover from this, but honestly only to make me girlfriend happy and not cause any damage to our relationship. Maybe that's why it always falls short - I don't try to recover for me. But that's really because I don't really think I need to be better or get help; I feel fine how I am. In fact, I feel happier when I starve myself as opposed to when I eat. When I eat I feel fat and miserable, but when I don't eat and restrict the foods I do eat, I feel thin, strong, and happy. The only thing about it that sucks is how sad it makes my girlfriend feel. So this time I'm just going to lie to her about it, even though it's one of the things I hate most. I mean, I don't care about lying to anyone else, it's just lying to my gf that makes me feel like shit. But it has to be done this time, because I'm close to 150 lbs., which means I am actually overweight for my height. For my height, I should be at around the 120-130 lbs. range, which means I have to lose almost 30 lbs., because I want to be the smallest I can be healthily. Losing 30 pounds will be enough for me, and then I'll eat enough to maintain my weight. So is this even an eating disorder? Isn't this just a diet? Can people not freak out about me wanting to become healthy?

Yesterday was a fucking horrible day. I keep crying and having breakdowns, freaking out over absolutely nothing. To try to calm myself down, I cut myself for the first time in a few weeks, but that didn't work obviously. I don't even know what was causing all of that, it was just one of those days where the Universe wanted to fuck with me, I guess. All day, these thoughts of suicide just kept coming in and out of my mind. I mean, death really scares me. I don't really want to die, I just sometimes wish I could just disappear and be somewhere quiet for a while. But sometimes my fear of death isn't enough, and I start actually considering suicide. At the same time, though, I realize I could never kill myself. I could never do that to my girlfriend, my family, and my friends. It would crush them, my girlfriend especially. Part of me is glad I have a reason to never leave Earth, but at the same time I also feel like I'm trapped. When the pain and emotions and all that get too overwhelming, there's no way I can escape from it; I just have to face it. I can't run away from it forever like a coward. That's what my family tells me all the time - suicide is for weak-willed cowards. But I know what it feels like, while they don't. Nobody exactly wants to kill themselves - but sometimes, everything seems like it's too much, and you don't see another way out. And it honestly breaks my heart when I hear other people feel like that. I don't think people with suicide have weak minds - it takes a lot of will to end your life, or even to just attempt to. We're just tired of the same shit on different days.

That's how I feel. I feel like I do the same things everyday, and I'm just so tired. At this point I wake up and I just look forward to going back to sleep. Sometimes I can't even remember what I do during the day, it just passes by in a blur-like state. Other days seem to drag on. It's like a mental struggle to just get myself out of bed in the mornings. The only reason I get out of bed is because I get to talk to my girlfriend, but honestly even she hasn't been around much these days. And all my friends have their own lives to live, sometimes I feel like they honestly don't really care what happens to me. Maybe they actually wouldn't care too much if I died - they'd cry for a day then move on the next day. You know, I listen to them talk about their issues - I understand, sympathize, and try to help them. But if I mention one of my issues and ask for help, they suddenly disappear or are just like 'everything will be okay'. At this point nothing really feels okay. And for my family, they love me and we have some cool times together, but these days I feel like all they do is tell me all the ways I need to be better. "Exercise more", "Go outside more", "Smile more", "Act like an adult more". I feel like I never do anything good enough for them, all they want is for me to do more, but at this point I'm to tired to even try to do anything.

Sorry for the morbid, depressing blog. I'll try to make a more upbeat one soon!





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