12/2/2021 - I'm Sad (what a surprise)

Trigger Warning: ED Talk; pet death; depression

Thanksgiving was a while ago, but it went better then I thought it would. It was still panic-inducing, but I feel like I ate a good amount of food. Not too much or too little, but a right amount that I felt comfortable with. I feel kind of silly. All of this panic for nothing. I had a fun day with my family and then with my girlfriend later that day, and the only bad part of the day was I put the batteries back in my scale (which I had taken out of my scale for a bit in an attempt to not weigh myself every second I could) and used it. I'm not going to say my weight here because it shouldn't matter (though my mind still tells me it does). I haven't weighed myself in a few days because [I'M BLEEDING FROM SOMEWHERE] and it usually makes me weigh more and I don't want to have anymore breakdowns over how much I weigh. I'm thinking I'm going to try to not weigh myself for a bit because all it does is trigger me into either an actual binge or a relapse, and I don't want to do either anymore. I have to stop putting so much worth on my weight - it's just a number after all. I don't even remember how or when it became so central to my life.

I'm trying a new thing to attempt to recover mentally from anorexia. I'm trying to look back at my life and find the cause of my eating disorder - the main cause. What made me start to restrict what I ate. What made me start to hate food and hate my weight. Because I've never been happy with my weight, even way before my eating disorder. I remember looking around at my Kindergarten class and thinking how I looked bigger compared to them. And I don't know why, but I'm trying to figure it out, because maybe it can somehow help me.

I've realize that ED recovery is so much more complicated than just eating more food. You have to train your mind to think a whole different way. You have to change the way you see food. You have to change how you view yourself. I'm really struggling with this part. Sometimes I still see numbers instead of food. I look in the mirror and find myself looking over my body and thinking about how much I could change my body - how much I should change my body. A lot of days it's like the ED voice is screaming at me and all I want to do is listen to it and stop fighting because it's so hard. But I have to remember that I'm fighting for something that is worth more than a thigh gap or a visible ribcage.

On a not ED related note, my cat Mittens died yesterday. Which makes me more sad than my grandma's death, which seems kind of bad but my grandma was a total bitch to me most of the time while my cat gave me nothing but unconditional love. Mittens was always around and there for me, and it's so hard for him to not be. He slept with me every night and it made me feel safe. When I was crying, he would always hop onto my lap and lay there while I pet him until I felt better. He was never too busy for me, he never ignored me, never had to do schoolwork instead of talk to me, never unloaded all his problems onto me and expected me to fix it for him. He never made me wait to spend time with him, he was always right there. And I never realized how much I depended on him being around. He meant so much to me and now he's not here, and I feel completely alone these days. My ED might be getting better but some days I get so depressed and suicidal that it feels like it's crushing me. And usually on those days everyone, even my girlfriend, seems to be too busy for me. But I always had Mittens to comfort me. And now I feel alone with these feelings and it sucks. It feels even more crushing than usual, like the weight of all this shit is going to just break me, and it's made me start cutting again to try to deal with all this shit.

I don't know what else to say, so this is the end of the blog. Update again soon.


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