1/20/22 - A New Year

Trigger Warning: Talk of ED and self-harm

I know it's a little bit past New Year's, but I haven't made a blog yet this year. So I wanted to talk about my goals for 2022.  And look back and reflect on 2021, which is what I'll do first.

2021 was a hard year for me, and I had thought the previous years were awful. I had spent the last few years hating myself, hating my life, just wishing I was dead. And I blamed it on the way my grandmother treated me. Which in a way, I still do. She was strict, but not in the caring way. She just wanted to control every aspect of my life. When she learned I had an eating disorder, she tried to control that too, making my eating disorder worse. Because though my eating disorder started as just a way to cope with bad feelings, it became more than that, especially in Arizona. It became a way to "control" something in my life, something my grandma couldn't no matter how hard she tried. Anytime I messed something up, she screamed at me. I wasn't good enough for her, and when I did something like she asked, I could've done it better. If she caught me cutting myself, she told everyone she could about it, and how I was "just doing it for attention" and doing it to hurt her. She was a major bitch.

But then she died. One moment here, the next moment, she was gone. And I had to see it all happen. I had to call my dad to tell him his mother died. I watched my uncle punch a dent in his truck, and my other uncle I'll never see again. That night everything had changed, and I thought it was the end of the world.

But it wasn't.

Everything had changed. And it took a while to get used to the change. 2021 as a hard year because I had to adjust to a new place, with my family who I hadn't been around much in the past few years. We all had to get used to each other and I had to relearn how to live with them. I've had to get used to a new school and a new atmosphere. Overall, living here with my family is better than it was living with my grandma. Even though it was horrible she died, maybe it was for the best. I'm still having struggles with stuff, but overall I'm better off here than in Arizona.

Okay, so now on to my goals for 2022.

I want to focus on my mental health. I want to try hard to recover from my eating disorder. I want to cope better with my depression and find better ways to deal with my anxiety and not hurt myself in anyway. I want to be a better friend and a better girlfriend. I just want to be a better person in general.

So far 2022's been a little hard. I've had some issues and drama with my friends, but it's been resolved now, I hope. I also want to find a better way to deal with these issues instead of crying and having panic attacks until it's over.

I'm hoping 2022 will be a way better year. My favourite singer releases a new album in March, I turn 18 in August. Already those are two highlights of this year.